A few weeks ago I attended a panel discussion on gay marriage and lesbian/gay civil rights. While I consider myself fairly well-informed, I definitely learned a few new tidbits while I was there and it drove home the point that, as gays and lesbians, the “fine print” for our lives is infinitely more complex (and unfair, but I won’t go there…) than that of heterosexual married couples.

At times, particularly when I’m feeling powerless, I can be a worry-wort. But the good news is — if you can’t control it, there’s no point in worrying because it is like a rocking chair — you’re making a lot of motion, but getting nowhere. However you can influence change! And, you can personally take all the steps possible to protect yourself and your family.

I wanted to pass along some resources that I know about that might be of help to you or someone you know. Let’s face it - the laws and how they affect gays and lesbians are constantly changing and are complex combinations of federal, state, local, and private policies (employers, organizations, etc.). It seems almost every morning when I read gay-related news there is yet another new ruling, amendment, potential amendment, or related human interest story to make your head spin.

The best thing YOU can do is to be informed and work with professionals that have specialized knowledge of the unique needs of gays and lesbians. In fact I heard on a recent podcast how important it is for us to use legal counsel familiar with the laws as they relate specifically to gays and lesbians even for routine legal documents such as a will or power of attorney. Why? Because your average lawyer doesn’t deal with these specific nuances and may be missing a critical detail when it comes to your peace of mind down the road.

It really got me thinking because years ago I used a lawyer who had numerous lesbian clients and she seemed right on top of the issues. Most recently when I revised my legal documents due to the death of one of our beneficiaries, I used the lawyer my financial advisor recommended sight unseen. However, he had no expertise in gay and lesbian legal issues. While I still feel fairly comfortable with my documents (as they basically were updates to the original format used by the first lawyer), I most definitely will do more shopping around the next time I need legal advice for my personal affairs. Not to mention, I still have questions that I’m not sure who I should be asking.

On to the resources….

Let me start with the organization local to my area (Philadelphia, PA) because they were well represented by one of their directors, Lee Carpenter, at the panel discussion I attended. The Center For Civil Rights mission is to advocate equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender individuals in Pennsylvania through direct legal services, education and policy reform (Excerpted directly from their website). When I spoke with Lee Carpenter at the event, she assured me that if you call on them, they will happily direct you to the right resource (private lawyers or other local/national organizations) if your concern is not directly aligned with what the center does. So, you know you have a helping hand to turn to even if you’re not 100% sure where to turn.

There are multiple national organizations involved in legal issues, education, and policy reform. I am highlighting those I am most familiar with here. However, if you know of one that I should have included, but did not, please e-mail me and I’ll be happy to add it here or discuss it further in a future post.

Since politicians are those involved in influencing, making, and voting things into law, influencing the political environment is key to affecting change. The two largest national organizations advocating for civil rights in the LGBT community are the Human Rights Campaign Fund (HRC) and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force (NGLTF). These aren’t the folks to call if you have an individual legal need or conundrum, but they are the places to look for vast amounts of resources and news as well as to personally get involved by taking action (writing lawmakers, contacting your representatives, raising funds, etc.). Both organizations offer a plethora of resources and practical information that you can use to educate yourself on the issues.

Two other national organizations are also committed to achieving equal civil rights for the LGBT community, but they fulfill their mission in a different way than the political action committee and grassroots political efforts of the organizations above.

Lambda Legal does so primarily by pursuing groundbreaking litigation work that has the potential to set precedence. The National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR) is a national legal resource center committed to advancing the rights and safety of lesbians and their families. They fulfill their mission once again through impact litigation, public education, direct legal services, and policy advocacy. Again, both organizations have a wealth of information on their websites to support you and you can contact them directly.

The most important take-away from all this is to know that you’re not alone out there trying to navigate the legal and civil rights maze; there are organizations, publications, and well-versed professionals available to help you out.

I am excitied to see that one of my articles was included in this week’s Carnival of the Vanities being hosted by Below the Beltway.

There are lots of great posts there on a wide variety of topics, so I encourage you to check it out…

If you can’t be yourself, who can you be? Or better yet, who are you trying to be? Being true to yourself is all about being authentic and in integrity.

Always be a first-rate version
of yourself; instead of a second-rate version
of somebody else.
- Judy Garland

The message in this quote is crystal clear. If you try to be someone you are not you will only be second-rate and you will most likely feel a lot of dis-ease and struggle in the process. The world doesn’t need another “so and so”, it needs you and your unique gifts.

• Have you ever been in a job where you didn’t fit in but tried like hell to conform?
• Have you ever been in a relationship where you tried to change to please your partner?
• Are you gay or lesbian and familiar with dancing around the topic of your personal life?
• Did you come out of the closet because the risk of doing so was less risky than spending your life trying to pass or cover up a part of who you are?

If any of these ring true for you you know first hand the stress associated with not being authentic and trying to be something you are not. It is not only exhausting but it prevents you from showing up fully in your life and achieving heartfelt success. Let’s face it, success when you’re compromising who you really are is not very fulfilling.

And, the pressure to cover up who you really are - regardless of whether that is gay, straight, creative, sensitive, spiritual, or whatever, is really driven home by a New York Times Article from earlier this year entitled The Pressure to Cover. The blog A Few of my Favorite Things discusses it at length. While it is a bit of a lengthy read, it does drive home the point that covering and conforming is still the #1 expectation in our society if you want to “get ahead”.

What You Can Do

The first thing you can do to live a more authentic life is to really get to know yourself. I know that sounds silly, but try it out! Spend some quality time alone, like you might with a best friend, and really get to know what makes you tick. A few years ago there was a period of time where I found myself doing a lot of soul-searching. My circle of friends had diminished greatly and I was experiencing personal change from the inside out. I believe this intense period spent journaling, reading, doing workshops, and really getting beyond the surface of who I am was some of the most fruitful time I ever spent.

Consider exploring questions like:

• What do I really want from my life?
• Do I have a personal vision?
• What makes me feel most alive?
• What are my passions?
• What is my life purpose?
• What legacy do I want to leave?

Getting to know yourself is a lifelong process, but you can get at the core of who you really are fairly quickly. The fastest path is to get in touch with your feelings and your body. Take a stab at meditation, journaling, yoga or any practice that supports you in spending quality time being with yourself.

Once you get a sense of who you are (at least for this moment in time) — define what success looks like to you. It looks different to different people and success on your own terms is the only success worth having. My previous post What is Success? may help you out. And, tune in here for future articles on this very topic. Remember…

“If your success is not on your own terms,
if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all.”
–Anna Quindlen

Could your life or business use a little spring cleaning too?

This April and May, I am offering one hour personal strategy sessions for $25. The benefits of a good spring cleaning will be:

• more energy,
• less clutter and overwhelm, and
• more time for the things that matter most to you.

These sessions normally cost $100.

To take advantage of this limited time offer, e-mail me at paula@thepaulagcompany.com to reserve your spot. Spaces are limited to Monday evenings at 7pm and Thursdays at 5pm and are expected to fill up fast. (Note: All times EST)

P.S. Feel Free to Share with Any Friends Who Might Like a Spring Cleaning Too!

One thing I’ve learned is the busier I get (even with “good stuff”), the first thing that gets tossed out of the schedule is fun-time. And the funny thing is — the minute it gets tossed the more I yearn for it on some level. And, the less fun I’m having, the more things seem like work and the less creative and productive I become. A self-fullfilling prophecy toward burnout and stress.

Fun is far more powerful than you might think!

If you think back to growing up, most of us received the message that we had to get all our homework (and any chores) done BEFORE we could go out and play. While that may have been our parents way of teaching us priorities and discipline back then, many of us, especially women, have taken it on as a means to be hard on ourselves as high-achieving adults. Let’s face it - the chores and to-do list will NEVER be done. Not until we draw our last breath. So, for goodness sake - take some time soon for some fun, you won’t regret it. No one ever sat on their death bed wishing they spent more time at the office or doing chores.

Recently I was getting my haircut and my fabulous stylist (if you’re near Philadelphia, you MUST check Vicchi out at V-Salon) was telling me a story about how much fun she recently had just hanging out with friends at a cafe and going to a concert. I thought, that sounds wonderful and it seems so long since I’ve had the time to do just that sort of thing. She said — you have to make time for it — it’ll really get you juiced up!

You know, she’s absolutely right! Fun is the way to infuse ourselves with more juice! Haven’t you ever spent time partaking in a hobby or even just breaking routine and going for a leisurely lunch with an upbeat friend and then felt oh so energized? Then, you went back to work and the creative juices just flowed and work felt effortless and inspiring?

Now contrast that to a time when you’ve drudged on for hours or days at work feeling you just couldn’t afford to take the time for fun, a break, or to just get away for a bit. How productive were you then? Did it seem to take forever and a day to get through the task at hand? Did you do your best work?

It is not just a coincidence that one scenario leaves you thriving and the other one leaves you dying on the vine.

So - take this quick self-assessment:

• When was the last time you just had fun?

If you have to think about the answer too long — it has been too long.

• Do you have a hobby that you regularly pursue that allows you to get in the flow where time just flies by?

Again, if you have to think too long, or the answer is no, you really need to get a hobby ASAP. It doesn’t have to be complicated, it doesn’t have to be expensive, it simply has to be something you enjoy doing (and it can’t be something you think you “should” be doing).

So, this weekend - start living a new mantra - “I brake for FUN” and start peppering a little fun here and there throughout each day of the week. Then, notice if you’re not being more productive, effective, and happy.

Not sure how to choose a hobby or how to carve out some fun-time? Leave me a comment below….. and we’ll get a dialog going.