Some days I get to be reminded of all the lessons and tidbits I write, speak, and coach about. This week is one of these weeks. With roofing and contractor woes, unexpected car breakdowns, PC challenges, unrealistic demands at the corporate day job, and following up on exciting opportunities for my business as well as satisfying existing clients, it has been a week of staring overwhelm and burnout right in the face.

What I learn at times like these is that life is an ebb and flow so “stuff happens” and will show up from time to time. There is no such thing as avoiding every last little thing that might not go perfectly. (Of course, however it goes ends up being “perfect” for whatever lesson I need to learn at the moment). The secret to successfully navigating these moments has to do with self-care, integrity, and values. Let me explain briefly what I mean.

First and foremost, if I feel that I am taking good care of myself on all levels (getting enough sleep, having spiritual quiet time, eating healthy, exercising, having fun each day, etc.); I can handle the bumps in the road with tact, patience, and grace. If I am missing one of these elements, I can quickly turn from responding to reacting. For example: my roofer did not finalize all the details with me before showing up and starting to rip my roof off. Responding looks like calling him (he’s done great work for me for years) and having a calm, neutral, curious conversation about what is going on and then clearly stating my opinion and desires going forward. Reacting looks like calling him up, having a nasty tone in my voice, and asking him why he is screwing this up. Fortunately for me, I was able to take several deep breaths and do much more responding. The good news is responding creates more desirable results from others and builds rather than destroys relationships so it is well worth the effort.

Integrity is doing what you say and adhering to your own personal code of conduct. Integrity is unique to each individual. As I go through a difficult week, the trick is to make sure I stay in integrity with all that I say or do. As I explained a bit ago, it is often easier to just react, especially when I am unhappy, a little pissed off, and feeling out of control. However, I stop and ask myself — “Am I staying in integrity with my actions?” For instance, since I have worked with this contractor for years and he does impeccable work, I let the ball get rolling on this project without having a written estimate and detailed scope of work in my hand. In the past it has always just worked out well with him because he takes pride in his work. However, as we encountered a few operating difficulties (especially with the subcontractors) and I spoke with a friend about it; I realized that I was out of integrity. I would never begin to work with a client in my business without a written agreement. I also wouldn’t work with a coach, consultant, or other service professional without a clear agreement of our working relationship. So, why did I make an exception here? Is it because of the hidden belief that it is hard to get something in writing from some contractors? Was I afraid of being considered bitchy by demanding it first? I’m not sure, but I made myself a commitment as I stood on the lawn looking at my roof half ripped off without the proper covering on it for protection that I won’t make this oversight again. While nothing “bad” happened (for once the weather forecast was right - no rain), it was a little lesson and wake-up call for me.

Values come into play with how I choose to be with the people I am interacting with. For instance, when my partner called stranded with car troubles late at night I could be bitchy because it interrupted my bath and time to read and go to bed early OR I could tap into the fact that I truly value my partner and acting in a loving way. So, I drove hither and yon to make sure she was ok and the car problem was handled. Another example is that I value respect. I want others to respect me and in turn I respect other people. So, even if I don’t love the people working on my roof and am unhappy with a few parts of the project, I speak to them with respect, treat them as I’d like to be treated, and ensure whatever is not meeting my expectations is getting resolved.

How do you handle overwhelm? What are some of the challenges you face when it comes to handling difficulties with grace? I’d love to hear your comments…..

Sad truth is that even in this day and age, women and people of color earn less than their male counterparts. It is estimated that over the course of her career, a woman will pass up approximately $1 million dollars compared to a similar situated male colleague because of her reluctance to negotiate for higher salary or set her fees higher.

The National Committee on Pay Equity (NCPE) sets aside a day each April (that is today this year) as a day to bring awareness to this fact. On their website they state this distressing statistic:

The median earnings of women working full-time year-round was 77% of men’s median earnings last year, the same as the wage gap in 2002. But this narrowing of the wage gap from 76% last year was achieved only because men’s earnings fell more than women’s during that time.

So much for equal pay for equal work…but are we part to blame? What can we as individual women do to close that gap?

Well, while I am certainly not one to read Glamour magazine. In fact, I MAYBE picked it up once as a teen while I was certain that’s what I need to do to “fit in” (LOL!!! oh, naive young mind). There is, however, a great article in the recent issue called “Want a Raise?” and it includes a four page feature on Women For Hire CEO Tory Johnson’s advice on getting what you deserve.

Be sure to click on each page to read the article in its entirety. Some excellent tips and real-world examples of asking for, and getting paid what you’re worth.

I just got this little funny top 10 in my e-mail. Since I write a lot about the topic, a colleague of mine thought I’d laugh. And I certainly did! A clever, sarcastic look at a much more serious and prevalent topic.

She forwarded this to me as she got it somewhere on the web or e-mail list. I am not sure who to attribute it to — so if anyone knows where it came from, let me know & I’ll be happy to acknowledge you.

Sit back, laugh…and if you recognize yourself in any of these, it is definitely time to start addressing your stress and burnout. Consider how being comfortable in your own skin can have the lovely side effect of nipping burnout in the bud as well. You can sign up for the free getting comfortable in your own skin eCourse on this site (top left) or at http://www.thepaulagcompany.com.

Top 10 Signs You’re Burnt Out

*10-* You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.”

*9-* Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back!”

*8-* Your garbage can /is/ your inbox.

*7-* You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.

*6-* You have so much on your mind, you’ve forgotten how to pee.

*5-* Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

*4-* You sleep more at work than at home.

*3-* You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

*2-* You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still haven’t been able to miss a meeting.

*1-* You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now or even in the hospital.

Without the right kind of fuel in your car, it isn’t going to run optimally (if at all). If you’ve ever made the mistake of putting a gas/oil mixture into a power garden tool that requires gasoline only, you know you’re in for a lot of smoke and sputtering and not only won’t you get the right performance out of your tool but you may in fact ruin the engine.

The same holds true for how we choose to fuel our bodies. While I’ve been very conscious about what I choose to eat for years now, I’ve continued to have some nagging problems that can often get me in a sour mood, low on energy, or just plain not feeling great. No matter how much I work out or fiddle randomly with my diet, I haven’t been able to nip it in the bud.

This month I decided to embark on a 6 month journey of working with energy-nutrition specialist and coach Heather Dominick. I met Heather last winter while I was at a benefit in NYC. After talking for a while and researching more on my own, I decided to take the plunge. Surely food, my relationship to it, and the nagging chronic issues I’ve experienced over the years have become something I have just put up with despite attempting to address it (with incremental success) with acupuncture, various energy work, and diet changes. I decided it was time to delve deeper into this issue on all levels and see how I might transform this area of my life and health.

I’ve just gotten started, but as in most things, the first step is awareness. What is REALLY going on? The process has started with a food and energy journal tracking everything that goes into my body each day (as well as out the other end for lack of a better way to put it) as well as how I am feeling physically and emotionally. Whenever I do this sort of process, there are always some instant insights. Over time I expect we’ll pick up on rhythms and patterns and be able to experiment and address those.

One of my bugaboos is recognizing where I’m resistant. Often I’ll desire a change, but then work really hard to make excuses why I don’t want to let go of doing things exactly the way I have done them forever. Well duh - I want to change, but please don’t make me change anything! I sense that creeping in already, but know I will open up to the experimentation as I go. Sometimes I just need a little too much information before I dive in and this will give me a chance to stretch that trust muscle while being ok with not knowing.

I will share any grand insights or experiences that I think might benefit you as I go. I find my clients inevitably feel more at ease when they realize that in more than one area of my life I, too, am a client doing the difficult work as well.

In my previous articles “Legal Resources for Lesbians” and “Are You Prepared?” I talked about some of the specific legal challenges lesbians face that often go under the radar screen.

Another great resource, if you want to stay up to date on a weekly bases, is the Lesbian and Gay Law Notes. Maria at Daily Dose of Queer has more information on it in a recent post, click on over to get the full scoop.