The L Word Season 5 Episode 9: The Coach’s Perspective
I don’t know if it is just me but I find the emotion heating up more and more as the season progresses. More passion (in the bedroom and elsewhere) and more twists that just leave me with the knowing that it just ain’t going to be pretty if/when Bette finally comes clean with Jodi. Jodi is a powerful and emotional woman and Marlee Matlin is one of the few actresses around that can match the passion needed to play this character.
Before I jump into the meat of my comments, I just have to say who doesn’t want a little of what Bette displayed as she negotiated the lunatics from She Bar into a somewhat reasonable compromise? Her inner power, savvy, and direct communication in a highly charged situation was just poetry in motion. I won’t even get into my coaches perspective on Denbo and company because I would send them directly to therapy. Their characters are just an exaggerated display of what a mess people can make of their lives and the lives of others when they are so uncomfortable with who they are on the inside that they create such a facade of power. All that money and perceived power is a big ole fat illusion and I feel sorry for them living lives so superficial they feel the need to wreck havoc on others. But hey if nothing else it was a great scene in which to watch Bette’s business savvy shine!
Life’s lessons can show up anytime, anywhere and in this episode they were most loud and clear in a sweltering and stuck elevator. As soon as I could get my mind out of Cagney and Lacey flashbacks where they were stuck in a hot elevator and bearing their souls, I was totally sucked into the level of honesty Tina and Bette managed to find quickly. They ventured into a conversation on values and this coach loves talking about values. Why is that?
Our values really hold the key to creating a life that we love. Values are those things that are core to who we are and can serve as a guidepost to living a life truly by our own design. They point to what matters most to us and they are unique to each individual. For instance, most people would agree that truth is a worthy value; yet only certain people have truth as a core value around which their whole life is oriented. When you can identify your top 3-4 core values and then orient your life around them, that is when you move from just living to living a life feeling fulfilled .
In the scene, Bette got the ball rolling when she said that she doesn’t believe Jodi and her share the same values. At the heart of a relationship that really works is a common set of shared values. Now, each partner may express those values differently and have very different styles and personalities but at the core is a foundation and shared belief system. When the foundation is strong, then the individuals within a relationship can thrive both individually and as a couple.
My favorite quote was when Bette said “For me, when I really search myself, it doesn’t feel like an affair. For me,..it’s feels like I’m coming home.” Now of course I love it for its obvious dramatic and romantic undertones, but there is more. While I am firm in my belief that no relationship can ever complete you — you are whole and complete as you are — in the right relationship there is a sense of coming home. That is what has always been at work with Bette and Tina even at their nastiest. What is different now is that Tina has emerged as a full individual with her own personal power and can stand up to Bette. And on the flip side, Bette has softened (at least a tiny bit) and is more willing to co-create a relationship rather than be the sole creator and alpha dog. That makes all the difference if you want to create a relationship of equals. Each partner has to do her own personal work so that when you arrive in that third space (the two as “couple”) you are on equal footing as two whole and complete adults.
It can be as simple as — align with your values and you create a great life; live misaligned (or even unaware of) with your values and you will always feel like something is just “off”. The good news is that values are evergreen and it doesn’t mean you have to have or do something specific with your life in order to be happy. Now that is some creative freedom!
As with the rest of the planet (no pun intended..get it…the planet and “The Planet” LOL), I will be waiting with baited breath to see how this unfolds in the next few weeks. In the meanwhile… ask yourself “Do I know what my core values are? Am I living my life aligned with them or am I floundering around feeling something is “off” or “missing”?” Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments and if you’d like to explore the values conversation further, contact me to set up a complimentary chat.
Read Some Related Articles...
The L Word Season 5, Episode 4: The Coach’s Perspective The L Word Season 5, Episode 7: The Coach’s Perspective The L Word Season 5 Episode 10: The Coach’s Perspective
Feedburner
barb said,
March 5, 2008 @ 5:11 pm
I would really value having a subscription to Showtime right about now…
Katie said,
March 6, 2008 @ 1:33 pm
Do I know what my core values are? Am I living my life aligned with them or am I floundering around feeling something is “off” or “missing”?” Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments
Hello. I read your blog and immediately was intrigued! You have amazing insight on the L word, and life in general. To respond to your question, I feel as if in ways of my life I am closely aligned with my core values, such as with friends, family, and work. However, with women I am finding myself straying off now and then. For instance, I am very interested in a woman right now, and am very attracted to her. She is successful, funny, smart, and very fun. We have a blast when we hang out. But, it does feel like something is “missing” or not quite right. I am very open-I talk with my family and friends about everything whereas she is very private. And with other women I have been with I felt an instant click and connection and with this woman it feels like I am waiting for it to come. I find myself questioning it, thinking maybe it is just because she is different and that is why I am not feeling similar feelings as I did in my past relationships. She is by far the best “on paper” woman. Something is just “off” and I can’t pin point it. Perhaps I should just let it go and explore with other women.
Just my thoughts…
Coaching4Lesbians » Blog Archive » The L Word Season 5 Episode 10: The Coach’s Perspective said,
March 11, 2008 @ 5:05 am
[...] So often we get caught up in right and wrong. We judge ourselves and others and often we justify it as “helping” or “caring”. We get on our soapbox and profess our righteous opinions. Yet, in fact we never really know. Take the simple question of “What constitutes cheating (in a relationship)?” Most of us would brush that off and say, that’s easy, of course it means _____ (whatever our definition is). Yet as the ladies showed, that easy definition of cheating is different for each person. Tasha believed that even thinking about it and talking about it would be considered cheating because that is a level of intimacy that you are not sharing with your partner. While our Casanova Shane went so far as to say that even sleeping with someone else might not be cheating if it is only once and you go back to your partner. Now, that is a big range of what is and is not considered cheating, right? While my personal values lie in Tasha’s camp, that doesn’t make anyone else’s interpretation wrong. Where it becomes an issue is in an actual relationship. Are you and your partner clear about each other’s beliefs and what constitutes fidelity? This little scene drives home the point - don’t assume. And it goes back to the values conversation I talked about last week. What are your values? What are your partner’s values? How do they align? Where they don’t align is there a common ground and agreement between the two of you as to what is acceptable? Communicate, communicate, and communicate - early and often. That’s why I thought it was so cool that amidst all this drama unfolding we were treated to a tender scene of Alice and Tasha talking about what they really want from their lives and a relationship. These are the kinds of conversations that need to happen in a relationship for it to thrive. [...]