This weekend I had the chance to walk in my first Pride parade as part of New Hope Celebrates. I joined the Bucks County Lesbian Alliance(BCLA) group for the parade route and had a great time. It has been ages since I last attended any specific Pride event and the first time I ever got to be up close and personal in part of the official fun. I can remember years ago when I first came out (say like 16 years ago… as long as my partner and I have been together… it’s a story & a revelation, let’s just say that) — we were a magnet to attend Pride and Women’s Festivals for the first few years. Since then we’ve been out and about doing a variety of things, but never found our way back to the fest.

I’m not a big parade or party person in general. I’m more of a quiet, small group of friends type of social engagement. Or, more likely out and about in nature solo, with my partner, or a small group of like-minded folks gay or straight. Yet I have to say this first experience was very moving! What the heck have I been waiting for?

While the parade was fairly short and sweet it was a lot of fun. Read the rest of this entry »

For many lesbians the choice of whether or not to come out in her professional life is an agonizing decision. The decision point lies in the direct collision of wanting to be authentic and fear of rejection. Often it can be an conflict that rages inside her for a long time robbing her of energy that could be spent letting her true self shine and on the things that matter most to her. It stands at odds with being fully comfortable in her own skin in many ways.

The other night I watched the documentary “Out on the Job” on Logo. It was a very worthwhile hour illustrating the challenges of coming out and being out on the job for three individuals. I particularly like their statement:

Coming out at work can be an act of incredible courage - especially for those who live in one of the 33 states where it’s legal to fire someone just for being gay. But even those who are out and proud in supportive workplaces can run into problems.

Sometimes we can forget just how much courage it takes. Yet I have to say after watching the show that even in the face of lost income, uncomfortable moments, and questioning whether it is worth it, I left with the feeling that all three of these individuals believe it is worth it. Difficult and miserable and unfair at times? Yes. Scary and overwhelming to see how many people truly support “family values” and agree with businesses who terminate employees/contractors simply for being lesbian? Absolutely. Even as reluctant everyday activists, though, we don’t see even one of the folks profiled give up or retreat back to the illusion of safety in the closet.

I would love to see more shows like this one profiling the everyday heroes and heroines of our community that choose to live out in their professional lives. While I do not judge someone’s choice to come out or stay hidden, I know from the work that I do that it is much harder to live a fully authentic life if you are hiding a part of yourself. As paradoxical as it might seem (especially knowing you could lose your career and income simply by coming out) - you do limit your potential for success on your own terms when you are living in a constant state of inner conflict and a maze of lies or half-truths.

It isn’t always a cut and dry decision. The stakes can be high and the courage to be vulnerable and live your truth can be immense. That’s why with any big decision you really need to take stock, go inside, and listen to the wisdom within you. If you’re not sure where to start, consider working your way through the Free Coming Out with Confidence eCourse I designed.

It is a great way to look at the big picture as it applies to you and your life. While you don’t want to make a hasty decision, most people say after they come out that they wish they had done it sooner. So, why not start the process today - in the privacy of your own inbox and your own thoughts.

Today is National Coming Out Day. Where do you stand in your own process?

National Coming Out day was started in 1988 one year after the historic March on Washington for Gay and Lesbian Rights. Traditionally this day is earmarked to raise awareness in the community about the lives of gays, lesbians, and transgenders. In many ways it is an opportunity for gays and lesbians to take the next step in their own personal coming out process. That might look like coming out to someone who doesn’t know or even coming out in a whole new area of your life for example - to your kids or in your professional life.

Coming out is a very personal process. There is no one right or wrong answer to the question “Should I Come Out?”. One thing is certain, though, people who personally know someone who is gay or lesbian are more likely to be supportive of LGBT rights. It is harder to discriminate and hate when you put a name and face of someone you know or love in front of that act. In this year of the 20th anniversary of the March on Washington, the Human Rights Campaign Fund has declared the theme of this year’s Coming Out Day as “Talk About It”. So, how do you talk about it in your life?

As a Comfortable in Your Own Skin Coach(tm) I know how important it is to be real and authentic in how you live your life. If you are out of alignment between what you say (nothing or vague comments of avoidance), what you believe (speaking your truth/we are equal) and who you are (gay, lesbian, or transgender) it is a recipe for frustration, exhaustion, and a partially lived life. That being said, it doesn’t always make sense to come out and you first need to be confident in who you are and comfy in your own skin before you march into potentially difficult situations.

I truly believe that everyone can and should be able to live their lives as authentically as possible. I also know there can be a lot of stress and angst when it comes to coming out, especially in your professional life. That is why I want to offer you this 10 part eCourse on “Coming Out with Confidence”. In it I offer key concepts, steps, and tools that will help you come out with confidence wherever and with whomever you choose to. The course also offers key decision making points that will help you assess if and when it makes sense for you to come out at all. Sign up for this course using the form below and the first lesson will be sent to you within minutes of you confirming your subscription.

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No one should have to go through the thought process of coming out all alone and no one should have to stay stuck in the closet if she/he doesn’t want to. Through the eCourse I will coach you through the process and point you to other important resources you can use for your own personal coming out process. Why not take one next step in your coming out journey right now. If not now, when?

I have always been a huge advocate of coming out to the degree that feels authentic and “right” to you. The burden of having to “hide” is detrimental not only to our own inner well-being but also to your professional success. In fact, gays who are out of the closet at work have stronger careers. What I loved most about this guest post by Nina Smith over at Penelope Trunk’s blog is the following quote:

This makes sense because it’s hard to come across as a “normal” when people don’t know a thing about your personal life. Or worse yet, you get pegged as the person defined by work and nothing else.

I couldn’t have said it better myself. It is a fine example of how you can worry yourself to death about appearing “not normal” by coming out yet in fact the opposite is true. By being inauthentic and untrue to yourself you are actually being unfair to everyone around you as well. They don’t get to know the whole picture and the real person that is uniquely you!

I firmly believe that self-esteem and self-knowledge are the #1 differentiator between a successful life and a mediocre (or miserable) one. Your choice on whether and how to come out in a professional setting is a fine example of the power of choice. By choosing to deny who you are you lower your self-esteem. Sure, you might think — “but I am true to myself, I know who I am!” Yet, the message you give yourself through your actions (remember, actions speak louder than words) is that “I am not OK; it is not OK to be who I am.”

My gut and experience knows that this dance of contradiction makes it damn hard to be comfortable in your own skin. As a result your overall career and personal life suffers. Not sure how or why to navigate these waters? Check out this post I recently wrote for Queercents called “Coaching is an Investment Not an Expense” for some insights and hard facts about how you can boost your self-knowledge and why you’d want to.

Bottom liine: The truth is that people most secure with themselves are the ones who stand out. Do you want to stand out in your business or career? It’s time to start looking inside to see who you need to be to make that desire a reality.

In the December 2006 issue of Out Magazine, Martina Navratilova is profiled as one of the “100 Men and Women Who Rocked 2006″. In the article is a quote from Martina that so very much sums up my philosophy on coming out.

“If you don’t come out, you are living in a self-inflicted prison. That is no way to live.”

Trying to be someone you’re not and living a lie is a self-inflicted prison whether it pertains to your sexuality or any other part of your authentic self. And, I know for a fact that from a self-inflicted prison it is pretty darn hard to truly be successful. Oh, you might “fool ‘em” for a while and experience some external trappings of success, but at what cost? And eventually the truth comes around full circle one way or another.

You might think… that’s easy for her to say, she’s Martina after all — tennis goddess, fit, beautiful, successful, established in her career. That is all true now, but not at the time she boldly went where no woman ever went before in professional tennis and publicly came out. Not only did she risk her entire career but she also risked her home and safety because of the conditions in her native country. And, my bet is she pissed off more than her fair share of people in the US as well. But, could you see Martina being anyone but Martina? Not really, and that is the beauty of being authentic.

It takes courage to come out but courage is a small price to pay for feeling free and confident in who you are. Are you feeling like a prisoner in one or more areas of your life? If so, what are you waiting for? If you’re scared or unsure, that is certainly understandable. If that’s the case, get the support you need — a trusted friend, therapist, online resource, or coach – and start taking steps to remove the walls that keep you stuck in a life that doesn’t quite feel right.